Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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