He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
