that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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