Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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