Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
