Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
