I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
