i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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