But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
