i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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