My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
