Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
