WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
