There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
