Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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