that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
