: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
