it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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