Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize