don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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