i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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