Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
