he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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