I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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