Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just invented taco cereal.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
