I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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