Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
