dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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