It's like God shit irony all over that family
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
