I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
