dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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