the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
