Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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