ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
