I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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