is your mom at the bar?
no, he came in my armpit
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
