We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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