The best revenge is premature balding
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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