i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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