I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
