My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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