We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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