she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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