He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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