I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
