I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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