I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
