if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
