I think i peed on brittanys purse
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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