I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
