just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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