the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
