You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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