I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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