I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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